Looking After Someone

Overview

Looking after someone means giving regular help and support to a family member or friend who could not manage without you. This might be because of illness, disability, getting older, a mental health problem or an addiction. You may help with washing, dressing, shopping, cooking, money, appointments — or simply keeping them company. If you do this and you are not paid for it, services call you a 'carer'. You may not think of yourself that way. Many people don't. But the word simply means you are looking after someone.

Very common. In the UK, millions of people look after someone — roughly 1 in 8 adults — and many more give regular help without ever calling it caring.

Anyone can become a carer, at any age. Many are middle-aged or older, and more women than men take on caring. But children and teenagers (young carers) and people in their twenties and thirties also care for others. It can start suddenly after an accident or illness, or slowly over years.

Symptoms

Common symptoms

• Feeling tired all the time, even after rest, or struggling to sleep
• Feeling worried, low, irritable or close to tears more often than usual
• Losing touch with friends, or giving up hobbies you used to enjoy
• Back, shoulder or joint pain from lifting or helping someone move
• Putting off your own appointments, prescriptions or check-ups
• Money worries, or finding it hard to keep up with work
• Feeling guilty whenever you take time for yourself
• Finding it hard to concentrate or remember things

Symptoms in children

• Being late for school, missing school, or schoolwork slipping
• Looking tired, anxious or withdrawn
• Worrying a lot about the person they care for
• Not joining in clubs, trips or time with friends
• Headaches or stomach aches with no clear cause
• Keeping things secret, or not wanting to talk about home
• Being very serious or 'grown up' for their age

Symptoms in older adults

• Their own health conditions getting worse or being ignored
• Deep exhaustion, and a feeling they have no choice but to carry on
• Loneliness and losing contact with friends
• Falls or injuries from lifting or helping someone move
• Money worries, especially after retirement
• Skipping their own check-ups or screening appointments

Causes

Main causes

• A sudden event such as a stroke, accident or serious illness
• A long-term condition that slowly makes daily tasks harder, such as arthritis, heart or lung disease, or multiple sclerosis
• Dementia or memory problems
• A disability present from birth or developed later
• Mental health problems or addiction
• Getting older and needing more help with daily life
• Being the nearest person available — often a partner, parent, son, daughter or neighbour

Risk factors

• Caring alone, with little or no break
• Living with the person you care for
• Money worries, or having to give up or cut down work
• Your own health problems or disability
• Being a young carer or an older carer
• Feeling you must cope alone, or that asking for help is a failure
• Living far from services, or facing language or cultural barriers
• A condition that changes behaviour, such as dementia, which can be emotionally draining

When to see a doctor

See a doctor urgently if:

• You feel you cannot cope, or you are having thoughts of harming yourself or the person you care for
• Your own health suddenly gets worse — for example severe pain, breathlessness, or an injury from lifting
• You feel very low, hopeless, or unable to manage day to day

Book a routine appointment if:

• Tell your GP you are a carer — they can record it and offer you support
• You have felt tired, low, anxious or stressed for more than a couple of weeks
• You have back, shoulder or joint pain from helping someone move
• You want a carer's assessment, or help arranging respite (a break from caring)
• You need advice about money, work, or planning ahead
• The person you care for has a change in their needs

Diagnosis

There is no test for being a carer. What matters is what you need. You can tell your GP, or contact your local council (social services) and ask for a carer's assessment. That is a free conversation about how caring affects your life and what help you are entitled to. The person you care for can also ask for their own assessment of their needs.

Tests that may be done

• A carer's assessment — a conversation, not a medical test
• Your GP may check your own health, such as blood pressure, mood or sleep
• A check of your vaccinations and any screening you are due
• A review of any health conditions you have, especially if caring is making them harder to manage

What to expect at your appointment

Expect a friendly, practical conversation. You will be asked what you do, how it affects your health, work, money and relationships, and what would help most. You can bring someone with you. Nothing happens without your agreement — asking for an assessment does not mean someone will take over, or that the person you care for will be moved into a care home.

Treatment

Support for carers is really about practical help, a break from caring, emotional support and looking after your own health. There is no single answer — the right mix depends on your situation, and it can change over time.

Self-care at home

• Accept or ask for help — one friend, neighbour or relative taking on a single task can make a difference
• Protect small bits of time for yourself, even 15 minutes a day
• Keep in touch with at least one person you can be honest with
• Learn safer ways to help someone move — ask a nurse, physiotherapist or occupational therapist to show you
• Keep your own GP appointments, prescriptions and vaccinations up to date
• Write things down — appointments, medicines, questions — to lighten the mental load
• Notice what you got done today rather than what is left undone
• Plan for emergencies: keep a list of key contacts and a note of what the person needs

Medical treatments

Support comes from several places. Your GP can record that you are a carer, review your own health and point you to help. Talking therapies, such as counselling, can help with stress, anxiety and low mood. Your local council can arrange a carer's assessment, which may lead to practical help, equipment, or respite care — a planned break. Carer charities and local groups offer advice on money, benefits, work and planning ahead. If you take medicines for your own health, keep taking them as prescribed, and tell your doctor if caring makes that hard to do.

Living with this condition

Days can be long and repetitive. Small routines help: a shared calendar, a pill organiser set up in advance, a folder for letters and appointments, and a simple plan for what to do if you get ill. Try to build in short breaks rather than waiting for one big holiday. It is also okay to say no to some things.

Lifestyle tips

• Keep a regular sleep routine where you can, and rest when the person you care for rests
• Stay connected — one phone call or message a day helps
• Ask your employer about flexible working or carer's leave
• Keep a small hobby or interest that is just yours
• Find out what benefits and practical help you may be entitled to

Diet and exercise

It is easy to eat whatever is quickest and skip meals. Try to keep regular meals, drink water through the day, and choose simple, filling food you actually like. Movement counts even in small amounts: a short walk, some stretches, or standing exercises while you wait. If lifting is part of your day, ask a professional to show you safer techniques, and use any equipment you are offered.

Mental health and emotional wellbeing

Caring can bring love and closeness, and also grief, anger, guilt and exhaustion — often all in the same week. Feeling trapped or resentful does not mean you do not care. Many carers feel low or anxious at some point, and this can be treated. Tell your GP how you feel. If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself or others, contact your local crisis line or emergency services straight away — you deserve urgent help, and it exists.

Prevention

You cannot always choose whether you become a carer, but you can reduce the chance of burning out. The key is getting help early, before things reach breaking point — registering as a carer, asking for an assessment, arranging breaks, and keeping your own health on the list.

Vaccines

Keep your own vaccinations up to date, and help the person you care for keep theirs up to date too. Ask your GP or pharmacist which ones are recommended for each of you, including seasonal vaccines such as flu.

Screening programmes

Try not to let your own health checks and screening slide because you are busy caring. If attending is difficult, ask about home visits, longer appointments, or help with transport.

Complications

If left untreated

• Exhaustion and burnout, where you feel you cannot carry on
• Anxiety and depression
• Back and joint injuries from lifting
• Your own health conditions going unmanaged
• Money problems, debt, or having to leave work
• Strain on your relationships with the person you care for and with others
• In the worst cases, a crisis where no one is safe

Long-term outlook

Most carers find that with the right support, life becomes more manageable — and many describe real meaning and closeness in what they do. Things can improve. Help is often available even when it feels like there is none, and asking early makes the biggest difference.

Find support

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