grief on one side

Overview

Grief on one side (often called unshared or disenfranchised grief) is when you feel deep sorrow over a loss that other people may not recognize or understand. It can happen after a breakup, a miscarriage, a pet dying, losing someone to dementia, or losing a person others never knew you were close to. Your grief is real and valid, even if no one around you seems to feel it too.

Yes, it is very common. Many people experience grief that is not fully recognised by others, such as after a relationship ends, a miscarriage, or the death of a difficult-to-explain person in their life.

Anyone can experience one-sided grief. It affects people of all ages and backgrounds, especially those who feel they must hide their feelings or grieve in private.

Symptoms

Common symptoms

• Persistent sadness or crying
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking clearly
• Feelings of anger, guilt, or confusion
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Change in appetite
• Feeling emotionally numb or detached
• A sense of being alone in your loss, even around others

Symptoms in children

• Acting out or irritability
• Clinging to caregivers or wanting extra attention
• Regression, such as bedwetting or whining
• Asking many questions about death or loss
• Changes in play or school behaviour

Symptoms in older adults

• Feeling more tired than usual or having body aches
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Becoming more forgetful or confused
• Feeling the loss is dismissed because 'it's been a long time'
• Talking about the loss repeatedly or staying completely silent about it

Causes

Main causes

• Loss of a relationship that was secret, complicated, or not accepted by others (such as an ex-partner or an affair)
• Miscarriage or stillbirth that others may not see as a real loss
• Death of a pet, which some people do not view as a significant loss
• A loved one with dementia who is physically present but emotionally 'gone'
• Loss after a loved one is imprisoned or missing, which can be hard for others to understand

Risk factors

• Lack of close friends or family to talk with openly
• A history of depression, anxiety, or traumatic loss
• Belonging to a culture or family that discourages showing grief
• Having a loss that feels 'hidden' or socially unacknowledged

When to see a doctor

See a doctor urgently if:

• If you have thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• If you feel you cannot keep yourself safe
• If you are unable to eat, drink, or sleep for days

Book a routine appointment if:

• If grief lasts longer than a year and is tearing apart your everyday life
• If you feel hopeless, numb, or unable to feel any positive emotions
• If you are using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope
• If you want to see a counsellor or join a support group but don't know where to start

Diagnosis

A healthcare provider will ask you about your loss, how you're feeling, and how it's affecting your daily life. They will listen without judgment and will not dismiss your grief, even if the loss is not obvious to others.

Tests that may be done

• No lab tests are used to diagnose grief itself
• Your provider may ask you to complete a simple questionnaire about your mood and symptoms
• They may also do a physical exam to rule out other conditions like thyroid problems or anaemia that can cause fatigue or low mood

What to expect at your appointment

Your provider might talk with you about your feelings, offer supportive advice, and suggest counselling or a grief support group. They may also recommend following up to see how you're coping over time.

Treatment

Treatment for one-sided grief focuses on helping you process your loss and feel less alone. This often includes grief counselling, talk therapy, and support groups where you can connect with others who have similar losses. Some people find comfort in creative outlets like journaling, art, or music.

Self-care at home

• Allow yourself to feel the pain without judging it
• Write a letter to the person or thing you lost
• Create a small ritual, like lighting a candle or visiting a special place
• Talk to one trusted friend or family member, even if they don't fully understand
• Be patient with yourself — grief is a process, not a race

Medical treatments

In some cases, a healthcare provider may prescribe an antidepressant or anxiety medication to help you sleep or feel more stable while you work through your loss. These medications are not a cure for grief but can support you if you also have depression or severe anxiety. Only a doctor can decide if medication is right for you.

Living with this condition

Living with one-sided grief can feel lonely, but small daily steps can help. Try to keep a routine, even if you don't feel motivated. You can also find little ways to honour your loss, like looking at a photo, saying their name out loud, or carrying a keepsake.

Lifestyle tips

• Try gentle exercise, like walking or stretching, to help release stress
• Keep a regular sleep schedule and create a calming bedtime routine
• Limit alcohol and caffeine, as they can make mood swings worse
• Spend time in nature, which can help soothe your mind

Diet and exercise

Eating regular, balanced meals helps your body cope with stress. You don't have to be perfect, but try to include fruits, vegetables, and protein. Moving your body in any way — even a short walk — can improve your mood and give you a small sense of accomplishment.

Mental health and emotional wellbeing

One-sided grief can make you feel isolated, anxious, or depressed. It can also stir up feelings of guilt ('should I still be grieving?') or anger at others for not understanding. These feelings are normal. Talking with a professional or joining a support group can help you feel less alone.

Prevention

Grief itself is a natural and healthy response, so it's not something to prevent. However, you can prevent grief from becoming overwhelming by seeking support early, talking about your feelings, and allowing yourself time to mourn. The goal is not to avoid grief, but to move through it with support.

Complications

If left untreated

• Prolonged grief disorder, where severe grief lasts more than a year
• Depression or anxiety that begins to take over daily life
• Turning to alcohol, drugs, or other habits to numb the pain
• Difficulty trusting others or forming new relationships
• Social withdrawal and isolation

Long-term outlook

With the right support, most people find that one-sided grief gradually becomes lighter. You will always carry the loss, but over time you can learn to move forward with your life. There is no set timeline, and it's okay to seek help along the way. You are not broken, and you are not alone.

Find support

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